I really do envy those folks who can write pages and pages, even if its all bullshit. I can barely write a paragraph of bullshit myself.
No, for real, i'm not being sarcastic. I'm not trying to subtly give anyone any hints or anything like that. I've really been struggling with writing. It feels recent, but B said that I've been like this ever since he met me. So that's quite a while. I don't understand. I've said before - I live to write. So why is it so difficult for me sometimes (a lot of the time it seems) to get anything down on paper, or typed? I guess I sort of know the answer. I tend to pre-edit myself. In other words, I edit what I want to write before I even write it. I think to much, too hard about what I'm about to write that I get paralyzed and am unable to write anything at all. I really wish I could not worry so much. I wish I could just write what's in my head without censoring myself before the words are even created.
I've been working on a paper for school recently. For 5 days, I was typing all the notes related to the paper. Everything I could possibly want to include, in outline form. I stared at the words for another day or so. And only yesterday was I finally able to "break through" and manage to spit out 4 sentences. And even those measly sentences, I was editing myself. This is how I see it: I have this box of puzzle pieces. I empty it out onto a table. First I separate all the colors and divide them in piles. Then I reorganize and perhaps separate them by size. I do all these things to organize them in the hopes of finding the corners, which is really what I need to start to piece the puzzle together, right? So it took me a weekm maybe more, just to find the 2 of the four corners of the puzzle, and not doing anything rational to get me to that any quicker. Gad, I make no sense.
