I haven't been able to let go of a dream I had
about Ate Liza sometime last week. I've been holding onto it like a secret. I've shared it with only two people so far. Isn't that weird? It's just a dream, right? I woke up from that dream so depressed that I was sobbing. Thank goodness B was beside me. It wasn't even a nightmare, at least not in the conventional meaning of the word. Even a few days ago, I would find myself crying just remembering the dream. We had a mass in our house one night and I couldn't get myself to go downstairs. Because of my dream, I resented the people who I knew would be in the living room. And I couldn't stop crying, because seeing them reminded me of the dream. On the surface, it seems so harmless, it should be insignificant since it was only a dream. It took place at a not so distant, familiar, but fictional past. Makes sense?
Ate Liza was still alive in the dream, and it was before any of us had a clue how sick she was. The thing was, I knew the future in that dream. I knew she was going to die soon, even as everybody thought she was perfectly fine. It had different scences. In one, I think we were at a mass at someones house. Either that or some prayer vigil or something. I was somewhere in the back of a large living room. Ate Liza was up in the front. She was wearing a plaid lavendar button down shirt. Her hair was still short. I remember watching her from the back of the crowded room. She was coughing into a handkerchief and then she got up from where she was sitting and walked out of the room. I don't think she saw me. Then there was another scene, where my mom was playing the "diplomat" between Ate Liza and Tita Ene. They had yet another misunderstanding about something, and mom wanted my opinion on it. And that's when I tried to tell her what I knew. All I could say was, "Mom, I think Ate Liza's really sick."
It sounds so harmless no? I felt so guilty after that dream. I woke up sobbing, saying to B, how could we not know?. It was so obvious in the dream. And nobody had a clue. Not me, not my family, not her friends. None of us knew. None of us could stop what happened. What really got to me was, even if I had convinced everyone in the dream that Ate Liza was sick and needed to go to a doctor or something, anything. Even if some miracle would happen in the dream and she would stay alive, I knew I would still have to wake up. Nothing is going to bring her back.
That dream has affected me so much, I've been really down the past few days. Even when I went out with friends, I would just fall into some dazed state, just re-living the dream in my head. Or just remembering all the things that Ate Liza did that she couldn't do anymore. I've been telling Mom and Dad all my Ate Liza dreams up until that one. I just can't get myself to to tell them. I just feel so guilty that we couldn't do anything. Like if I told them, I would remind them too, that they couldn't stop what happened. I don't know. The last time I broke down and cried, B told me I should tell them. But still, i've been holding on to it like it's a secret.
