I haven't been able to let go of a dream I had about Ate Liza sometime last week. I've been holding onto it like a secret. I've shared it with only two people so far. Isn't that weird? It's just a dream, right? I woke up from that dream so depressed that I was sobbing. Thank goodness B was beside me. It wasn't even a nightmare, at least not in the conventional meaning of the word. Even a few days ago, I would find myself crying just remembering the dream. We had a mass in our house one night and I couldn't get myself to go downstairs. Because of my dream, I resented the people who I knew would be in the living room. And I couldn't stop crying, because seeing them reminded me of the dream. On the surface, it seems so harmless, it should be insignificant since it was only a dream. It took place at a not so distant, familiar, but fictional past. Makes sense?
Ate Liza was still alive in the dream, and it was before any of us had a clue how sick she was. The thing was, I knew the future in that dream. I knew she was going to die soon, even as everybody thought she was perfectly fine. It had different scences. In one, I think we were at a mass at someones house. Either that or some prayer vigil or something. I was somewhere in the back of a large living room. Ate Liza was up in the front. She was wearing a plaid lavendar button down shirt. Her hair was still short. I remember watching her from the back of the crowded room. She was coughing into a handkerchief and then she got up from where she was sitting and walked out of the room. I don't think she saw me. Then there was another scene, where my mom was playing the "diplomat" between Ate Liza and Tita Ene. They had yet another misunderstanding about something, and mom wanted my opinion on it. And that's when I tried to tell her what I knew. All I could say was, "Mom, I think Ate Liza's really sick."
It sounds so harmless no? I felt so guilty after that dream. I woke up sobbing, saying to B, how could we not know?. It was so obvious in the dream. And nobody had a clue. Not me, not my family, not her friends. None of us knew. None of us could stop what happened. What really got to me was, even if I had convinced everyone in the dream that Ate Liza was sick and needed to go to a doctor or something, anything. Even if some miracle would happen in the dream and she would stay alive, I knew I would still have to wake up. Nothing is going to bring her back.
That dream has affected me so much, I've been really down the past few days. Even when I went out with friends, I would just fall into some dazed state, just re-living the dream in my head. Or just remembering all the things that Ate Liza did that she couldn't do anymore. I've been telling Mom and Dad all my Ate Liza dreams up until that one. I just can't get myself to to tell them. I just feel so guilty that we couldn't do anything. Like if I told them, I would remind them too, that they couldn't stop what happened. I don't know. The last time I broke down and cried, B told me I should tell them. But still, i've been holding on to it like it's a secret.
Clearly, being up at 4 in the morning makes me a bit reckless, not to mention restless. Here are my two attempts at singing and playing the guitar at the same time. Can you name that tune? Behold:
Portions of a note i sent my friend in the philippines. the subject line read A Whine in E Minor
...you must think i'm weird, after months (?) of not writing to you and all of a sudden you have two instant emails from me. crisis mode ako ngayon. been stressed over some school assignments. and when i should be focusing on school work, i long to write. write something creative. something significant. i can't seem to finish anything. and i can barely get myself to start. help! i'm tired of whining about it, really, but i feel powerless to do anything but whine about it. argh. ano ba ang problema ko? i wish you were here to workshop me like before...i started to workshop with this one girl...tapos, wala. basta hindi na nangyari uli. i think they may be waiting for me to "make the first move" since many people have been "tiptoe-ing" around me since ate liza's death... i edit myself too much. i edit myself before i've even written the piece, the word. i wish i could stop...i tried to share my frustations with B, but he didn't understand why i didn't just DO it. Just write. As if ganun ka simple. I wish I had friends here that thought of themselves as artists - writers, poets, filmmakers. I wish I had friends who acted like their art was the most precious thing in the whole world. Who act as if art IS the most important thing in the whole world. as important as the air we breathe. I felt that in the philippines, with you...Ba't parang walang ganon dito?
[3/21/02 UPDATE: Yay! I heard you greet me today, M!! Thanks!:) Miss ya'll too...I'll get my butt back to Manila when it's half the size it is now, lol]
i'm such a dork. before today's classical music kick, i was listening to RX 93.1 via Windows Media Player around 4:30 or so and so i knew M (one of the Loonies I refer to on occasion) would be on. I immediately email her to let her know I was listening and to greet me. My dork self hears an unfamiliar male DJ and I assumed she wasn't on yet. So I get into my classical music kick. I check my email hours later and she goes "hoy!! did you get to hear it?". Arghh. Anyways, I'm listening now (though i'm perfectly aware I should be listening to the classical stuff instead) but she's not on anymore:( Oh vell, next time nalang. Even though I'm listening to stuff I would probably hear on Z100(yes, is it obvious i'm a top 40/pop dorkess?), its still pretty neat to listen to folks live in Manila:)
To make up for my dorkiness, point your browsers to my Vintage Photos. It's also linked in the Photos Section. I'll be updating that as I scan more old photos. Most of these you've seen already if you've been around this site long enough. This is for those of you who were intrigued by the banner photo and feel bitin. Hehe.
The other day in class while sharing stories from "the field", our professor suggested putting on classical music (esp. Mozart) for students calms them down. Supposedly, shutting the lights and having the kids put their heads down after lunch while playing some calming music - especially with AD/HD kids - will help. Anyways, I remembered that just today because I've been having so much trouble concentrating on my take home midterm due tomorrow. I searched my collection of CDs during my "classical music" kick and have gotten a significant amount of work done! I started with Beethoven's 9th Symphony, then played selections from a CD that I used in my "Music Appreciation class in college (which I barely passed) which had Chopin and Schumann songs. After the CD I currently have one (which includes some more Beethoven like Moonlight Sonata, Spring Sonata op. 24, and Romance op. 50, I think I'm gonna listen to my fave "classical" tune of all time: Copland's Appalachian Spring. I wish I had some Mozart to play though. Supposedly Mozart makes one quite focused and productive at work.
Mom is always eager to share the latest Ate Liza apparition sighting. Tita J's hairs stood on end when she entered the building where Ate Liza use to work. Oh, and Tita G and Mama T both had dreams where she mentioned numbers - that ended up winning some local lottery. Ate Liza's mom sometimes sees her daughter in a bright white silhouette. Stuff like that. Thought I have had my share of
paramdams, I'm not so eager to share them. I don't tell people that when my hands suddenly get cold (especially when its just one of the hands), I'm instantly reminded of her because I recall how cold her hands would sometimes get when I often held them in the hospital. I dare not tell mom or other people how whenever my lips get dry, I think of her because I recall how chapped her lips got. When I'm outside, and there's a sudden breeze, I think of her. My experiences are more "rembrances and reminders" rather than hocus pocus apparitions. The two are not so far in meaning.
The house is now back to the way it was before Ate Liza came into our lives. Just me, mom, dad, and tita e. I thought about that last night as I turned of the lights in the living room. It's back to the way it was but it can never be the same. Our lives are profoundly different and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Is it silly to feel giddy about this? Check out my first Mirror Project entry, even though you've probably already seen the photo before. Teehee. Thanks for the inspiration, Heids:)
Yesterday was not a good day. I actually woke up early today so I believe I'm off to a good start this time around. Crossing my fingers.
scary random thought: i think i've forgotten how to write. like write creatively, with purpose, for fun. i don't know where people find it within themselves to do so. i think i once knew, but i forgot.
I enjoy doing my laundry at the nearby (nearby as in a 5 minute car ride) 24 hour laundromat late at night. I've probably mentioned this before. I especially like to do this when there are hardly any people. And with B with me. Bah. He's not here tonite. I'm too broke to go out anyway, so I'm psyching my self up to go by myself. Argh.It's not so much that I'm embarrassed to go do my laundry by myself on a Saturday night. I'm mean who cares what people think? Ok, well i do on occasion - but this is not one of those times. I'm so used to B going with me. Regardless of the day of the week, or time of the day. Sometimes I realize how too dependent I am on B. It annoys the hell out of me. Grrr.
on another completely unrelated note,
Oh lemme tell you! I had the best time last Friday (even though I had to be up at 6am to get to the school before 9am) chaperoning my friend C's 2nd grade class (yes, 6 and 7 year olds) on their trip to Lincoln Center. We took the train. What an adventure in itself! A bunch of parents showed up to chaperone her class so I was only assigned 3 kids to look after. Soooo cute. And loud. Even though half of them fell asleep during the classical music concert. LOL. This one little girl, Amber, really got to me. She was the sweetest girl. She seemed extremely shy and quiet at first but by the end of the day, I couldn't get her to stop talking and asking questions! My friend C told me that Amber hardly warms up to anybody so I felt really good that I was able to connect with her. She always wanted to hold my hand. Awww. It turned out Amber was one of those kids in class that nobody really want to hang out with. Poor girl. Literally. C said she's quite neglected by her parents. On some of the coldest days of the year, the girl came in with no socks. Also, I think in September, she had gotten her hair braided and they weren't cleaned or removed even when stuff started to get stuck to her hair. Worst of all, C said on time she said she wished she wasn't black. My God, she's only 6! She seemed smart, but she was the only one in the class to fail the spelling test. C gave them a spelling test and I got to grade them afterwards. I suspect Amber has a learning disability because the words she got wrong, she actually spelled correctly, but some letters were backwards. This might have been acceptable at the beginning of the year since other kids did it too, but she was the only one that had not "grown out of it." I hope she gets assistance with that soon. C said she was getting tested for it. She also said I would get over the "awww, they're so cute phase" when I had my own class. Hehe.
So I'm supposed to be helping with writing a scene for my church's passion play. Why oh why did I agree?? It's actually cool though, coz, we're gonna be doing the play from Mary's point of view. What I'm supposed to be helping with is the last scene, where the kids act out the stations of the cross and Mary recounts each station from her eyes. Argh. Why oh why did I agree to do it? Anyways, I've been, um, researching the web on it and found a nicely designed site that has the 14 stations described. Anyways, check it out for yourself.
Portion of a note i sent my special someone. I'll spare you the corny parts, hehe:
I want to tell you how happy I am to be where I am today. I'm so happy that I had a great experieince for my first site observation. I can confirm now that I love kids! It's so exciting to re-learn this! It tells me that going back to school to be a teacher was the right decision. It's a really good feeling. Keep this note so you can show me this when I'm not feeling so great about all this. I know there will be those sorts of days [in the future]. I'm still a little scared about the prospect of actually dealing with the severely and multiply disabled kids. But right now, at this very moment, I know I can do this because my heart is in it.
So the past two days, I've spent (a mere) 5 hours at a preschool for children with special needs as required by one of my classes this semester. The first day, I was terrified walking in there. I left that day reluctantly but with glee. I was afraid I would hate it. I was afraid I would do something stupid. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with the kids. I mean, I really didn't have too - I was there just to observe. But I was afraid I would not be liked by the kids and afraid I wouldn't like them. The first day, i was soooo reluctant to leave, you don't even know. I read stories to a couple of the kids. They wouldn't allow me NOT to connect with them. It was such a great feeling. I adored the kids. I loved the classroom. By the second and last day, I was so sad to have to leave and say goodbye to them. Even feeling sad felt good. Know what I mean?
So, tomorrow I'm going to do my first site observation as per an assignment for class. I'm going to be doing a lot of this in the year. I'm pretty excited. And scared. I'm probably not as prepared as i should be. As in I should be reading my text to read up on different types of disabilities and stuff. But I don't know where to start since I have no idea what the population of the school is. It's a preschool too. Just around the corner. Yikes.
Acceptable responses to someone who tells you "I'm going out to have lunch with my friends" :
"Okay, watch what you eat!"
"Great, have fun!"
"Okay, bring me home some leftovers!"
"Really? Who are you meeting?"
"Really? Where?"
I'd prefer ANY of the above instead of "Lunch?! Have you looked in a mirror lately" as my mom said to me when i told her the other day, "Ma, I'm goin out to have lunch with friends" I mean, what does one say to someone who says to you, "have you looked in a mirror lately?" Grrr...
