Okay just one thing. I caught the last twenty minutes of
Wit on HBO and thought I would faint. Talk about being able to relate. Of course, Emma Thompson looks much better than her character really should. Anyways. Yun lang. Added to my wishlist. On a related note, I have to make the observation that I think I'm much to morbid right now to be in social settings. Other than my family, only B (even though at this point, B is family) can relate to my thought processes. I mean I'm sure (I hope?) I'm underestimating my friends tolerance of hospital talk, obssesive searches for photos of her, morbid jokes of death (in the end, there's only laughter, right?), and handling sudden bursts of anger or tears, sometimes both. It's nice, I guess, that my friends are concerned, but then how long can you really talk about someone who is dying? Or about someone who others consider dead already? I sometimes almost wish they don't ask at all. If they do, I try to change the subject after answering the usual questions. And I think they're relieved when I do. What do you say when they ask, how is she? Hello, she's in a coma. Do you want details of how her fingers are getting stiff? Her skin thinning out? Didn't think so. Ok, sorry. I don't think I can share with anyone else about how I swear I saw her thumb move, other than B or my parents - nevermind the fact that they don't believe me, ha. They humor me, that's enough. Who other than them will tolerate my inability to stop hoping, to pick myself out of this denial? Anyway. Yon. I hate how people are rushing her to die. I hate how people act like she's already dead. She's not. I hate how I can't get myself to visit her everyday. No, its not the usual culprit of laziness. I can't look at her when I'm afraid she's sufferring. I don't know. I just don't know.
