You'd be surprised at the number of interesting links we get back from the maARTe counter. Take this guy for example. I can't wait til B is done with the Php rebuilding he's doing to make it more dynamic and you'd see all the cool folks linking maARTe up even though we haven't updated for a while ('cept for the news section of course)...Wish I had a clue what Php was. All I know is that you can do cool things with it. Heh. I haven't decided yet if I want to know beyond that.
A few observations. I'm not doing well with my giving up procrastinating. Failing miserably. Getting lazier and lazier by the minute, by the day, by the week. Dad's picking up Mom today at the airport. She went to "pick up" Ate Liza from the airport and to attend her funeral. It was also supposed to be a time for her to rest. That plan failed miserably as well. She actually got sick. Surrounded by her sisters and brothers who have gotten sick hasn't helped with de-stressing. She's run out of money coz she's given most of what she had with her to family. I think being in the Philippines depressed her more. I think my whole immediate family here is depressed. Oddly, I think we're still mourning. I personally was thrown off by this because I thought I was getting back into the swing of things and had'nt cried daily as I did before. Yesterday, all day, I felt a lump in my throat, as if I wanted to cry. But I didn't. Come 1:26am, and I just started bawling on the phone with B. He wasn't crying but he was feeling stressed. I just cried and cried and I didn't really have any specific reasons for crying. Just that I knew I didn't feel like doing anything. Didn't feeling like waking up in the mornings, didn't want to socialize with anybody but him. He got worried over this. I think it was hitting me how fucked up this year has been so far. Okay, time's up.
People, if you know folks in NY, help me spread the word:
Dear Friends,
Many of you know about Ate Liza who passed away a few weeks ago due to ovarian cancer. I strongly believe that if only she had gone to a doctor for regular check ups she might still be alive today. For whatever reason - fear, laziness, lack of finances, lack of time, immigration status - many of us don't get checks up nearly enough.
The good folks at CAAAV (more info below) are sponsoring a free health fair this coming Sunday, specifically targeted for women of Asian descent, who may not have access to a doctor - domestic workers, babysitters, housekeepers, wage workers, etc. They even wanted to dedicate it to Ate Liza! So, please help me spread the word. If you have a Tita, an Aunt, your Mom, your sister, your babysitter, housekeeper, cousin, niece, PLEASE urge them to go to this Health fair. I will be there.
If you are a health worker of some kind and think you might be of assistance, you can contact Carolyn, her number is on the flyer.
In totally unrelated news, last night was my cousin Felicia's sweet sixteen. Awwwww:) After watching her and her friends practice their obligatory cotillion dance thingy a few times, B and I were all smiles and extremely proud that they pulled it off during the party. Galeng talaga nila. I'll post pics when I develop the pics. I was one of the people she had in the 16 candles part and she had to say something about every person lighting a candle. She said she looked at me as a role model. Awwwww:) Oh, and, Yikes!
Hehe...
A recent addition to the obligatory tourist sites in NYC is the viewing platform at Ground Zero. We took my auntie (visiting from Seattle) there, at her request. Waiting on line was weird, almost as if we were at some mass wake, waiting for our turn to pay our final respects. After what felt like an hour or so of waiting, they gave onlookers 5 minutes to see the, um, view. After an hour of waiting, I took a 10 second glance and left. I over heard this guy say, "Man, it's like we're back at Disneyworld." Um, yah, but NOT.
In related news, Ate Liza's funeral is today. I was gonna write something fucked up about her family waiting this long to "let her go" but IE suddenly shut down. Um, I'll take it as a sign, and once again sleep with the lights on tonite since B is in Jersey. All I'll say is 'di na ba sila na awa sa kanya?
So, except for when B is here, I've been keeping the lights on when I go to sleep. I don't think its so much that I'm afraid she'll visit me, but more of I'm afraid that she'll just suddenly pop up on me. I dunno. I am such a scaredy cat. Bah.
Okay it works. There's a story 'a brewing in my head. I see scenes. I hear lines. I witness characters acting out my story. But I know its not really my story. I'm a mere observer that cannot help but see life in a series of scenes and chapters. I just wrote some of it and I feel like crying. Isn't that weird. The tears are building up in my eyes as I recall that experience. Of writing. Of letting the story out. Of freeing it from my mind. We'll see where it takes me. I don't know how many characters yet. I don't know how many voices yet. Just thought you might want to know what I've been up to. Here's a very raw portion of what is pouring out:
Typical day. Get up at 5am. Pray. Take a shower. Drink coffee. Out the door. On the subway. Pray. Get to work 15 minutes early. Sweep. Vacuum. Mop. Clean the bathroom. Mondays, I wash the bedsheets. Skip a 30 minute lunch so I can leave at 4. Get on subway. Pray or read a book. Wednesdays i get groceries. Everyday, I buy a phonecard. Telebabad. $5 for 45 minutes! Prepare dinner. Rest up. Wash up. Eat dinner. Watch TV. Write in journal if I'm inspired to write. Call my husband and son. Cry. Sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Okay. Okay, I'm back again. Starting today, I'm experimenting with the idea of giving up procrastination. Don't laugh. Okay, stop laughing...okay?? Let's see if this works.
There you are in the early light of day There you are in the quiet words I pray I've been blessed by the simple happiness Of the perfect love we've made
Every time I turn around When I'm lost and when I'm found Like an angel standing guard There you are
Every time I take a breath and when I forget to breathe You're watching over me there you are When I'm looking for the light in the middle of the night Search for the brightest star There you are
There you are in standing in a crowded room There you are the earth and I'm the moon My desire is to stand by the fire That burns inside of you
Every time I turn around When I'm lose and when I'm found Like an angel standing guard There you are
Every time I take a breath and when I forget to breathe You're watching over me there you are When I'm looking for the light in the middle of the night Search for the brightest star There you are
Hey, in case I know you (heh) and you want to come to the wake, the venue and time has changed. Email me if you'd like the correct info. Thanks again...Weird how I feel her presence (and unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, I see her as well) whenever I'm at the piano - one of her favorite spots in the house. She played piano really well, you know...I just wish I wasn't so freaked everytime she "shows up."
It might have been through a silent prayer, a kind message of support, generous advice, a simple thought of her, or a positive hopeful vibe. However way it was, I wanted to thank you, on behalf of Ate Liza.
The wake will be held at Arlington Funeral Home, here in Queens, Friday evening. There will be a mass for her, but I don't have the details on that yet. She will be flown back to the Philippines probably by Sunday or Monday.
Okay just one thing. I caught the last twenty minutes of Wit on HBO and thought I would faint. Talk about being able to relate. Of course, Emma Thompson looks much better than her character really should. Anyways. Yun lang. Added to my wishlist. On a related note, I have to make the observation that I think I'm much to morbid right now to be in social settings. Other than my family, only B (even though at this point, B is family) can relate to my thought processes. I mean I'm sure (I hope?) I'm underestimating my friends tolerance of hospital talk, obssesive searches for photos of her, morbid jokes of death (in the end, there's only laughter, right?), and handling sudden bursts of anger or tears, sometimes both. It's nice, I guess, that my friends are concerned, but then how long can you really talk about someone who is dying? Or about someone who others consider dead already? I sometimes almost wish they don't ask at all. If they do, I try to change the subject after answering the usual questions. And I think they're relieved when I do. What do you say when they ask, how is she? Hello, she's in a coma. Do you want details of how her fingers are getting stiff? Her skin thinning out? Didn't think so. Ok, sorry. I don't think I can share with anyone else about how I swear I saw her thumb move, other than B or my parents - nevermind the fact that they don't believe me, ha. They humor me, that's enough. Who other than them will tolerate my inability to stop hoping, to pick myself out of this denial? Anyway. Yon. I hate how people are rushing her to die. I hate how people act like she's already dead. She's not. I hate how I can't get myself to visit her everyday. No, its not the usual culprit of laziness. I can't look at her when I'm afraid she's sufferring. I don't know. I just don't know.
I guess you're getting the hint, that I can only speak to you through music. Today, it's I Know The Truth from Aida, mostly because I am in love with Sherie Rene Scott's voice.
How have I come to this How did I slip and fall How did I throw half a lifetime away Without any thought at all
This should've been my time It's over, it never began Facing a world, for once not on my side I simply turned and ran
I try to blame it on fortune Some kind of twist in my fate But I know the truth and it haunts me I learned it a little too late
I know the truth and it mocks me I know the truth and it shocks me I learned it a little too late
People have faith in me I think I once did too I promise whoever has a hold on our lives I'll see the bad times through
This should have been my time It's over, it never began Facing a world, for once not on my side I simply turned and ran
I try to blame it on fortune Some kind of shift in the stars But I know the truth and it haunts me It's flown just a little too far
I know the truth and it mocks me I know the truth and it shocks me It's flown just a little too far
I try to blame it on fortune Some kind of twist in my fate But I know the truth and it haunts me I learned it a little too late
And thanks for the joy that you've given me; I want you to know I believe in your song, and rhythm and rhyme and harmony. You help me along, makin' me strong.
Give me the beat, boys, to soothe my soul; I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away, yeah Give me the beat, boys, to soothe my soul; I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away.
Oh, give me the beat, boys, to soothe my soul; I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away, Yeah, won't ya help me, won't ya help me, won't ya help me drift away
