Afraid that I was forgetting what Ate Liza looked like before she went into the hospital, I dug for past home videos and photographs. I scanned some I found here.
Just today, I'm realizing the traumatizing effect of going to the hospital everyday for three weeks. As Ate Liza lies in her bed, no longer in the ICU, I am already haunted.
In the off chance that you may have influence, contacts, or ideas, here is an email I sent out just now:
Hi folks,
Some of you may have noticed (depending on how often I see/email/chat with you) I've been sort of MIA the last few weeks. I've been avoiding telling more folks than absolutely necessary, just because my family has been going through some difficult times lately and I don't want to burden you if at all possible. However, I'm writing to let you know why because I am hoping you might be able to help.
This concerns close family friend of mine, who has been living with my family for the past four years. Her name is Liza Joaquin, and less than 3 weeks ago, she found out she had ovarian cancer, at its final stage - Stage 4. She has been in the hospital, and I've been taking turns with my mom to visit her nearly everyday, since the 5th of January. Though the chances were slim, we still hoped she could still recover - Liza, most of all. She is my "ate liza" ("ate" means older sister), because she has been truly a older sister to me, she just turned 31 years old last week. Before she was confined in the hospital, she was working as a domestic worker - a babysitter to be exact. And before that, as a teacher, back in the Philippines. Some of you receiving this email may have been lucky enough to meet her.
I had the chance to spend time with her the last few weeks, and thus, know what her "final wishes" were before she went into a coma last Monday. In fact, I was the last one in our family to hear her speak.
She was looking forward to seeing her 6 year old son, husband, and mother, all of whom are living in Obando, Bulacan in the Philippines. For the past two weeks, they have been trying to obtain special visas from the U.S. Embassy to no avail. It seems, without proper "contacts" or influence, nothing can be done. We feel Ate Liza is holding on, although in a coma, because she was so determined to see her son before she leaves us. I am hoping you can help me make this happen. Mom and I don't feel she can truly "rest" until she is reunited with her family while she is still alive.
If you know anybody who can possibly help us expedite their visas. They will most likely not stay more than a week, 2 at the most. Our family will take care of them while they are here. And hopefully, they will all be able to go back to the Philippines, with Ate Liza with them.
We were told that, even if it is a city councilor, congressman, mayor, diplomat from the U.S., that may have some sort of influence at the Embassy in Manila, would be helpful. IF you know anyone, or OF anyone, please let me know. Any ideas, contacts, etc are most welcome.
Please feel free to forward this to anyone that may be of help. And please feel free to contact met through this email. Time is short.
Can someone help me translate this and do it justice? Ate Liza wrote this a few years ago, typed it on this very computer. And just tonite I remembered I had printed it out and taped it on the wall on the left side of my desk. I started to attempt to translate it, but I'm not doing a very good job. Here it is:
Sa paglayo naramdaman ang tunay na nasasaloob
Pagmamahal ay patuloy na hinahanap ngunit hindi maramdaman
Naglaho na nga ba o naging manhid lang dahil sa dami'ng sakit na pinagdaanan
Kung kulang pa ang hirap at ang pagtitiis, saan mo ilalagay ang pusong bugbog sa
Pasakit
Hindi kasagutan ang paglilimos ng pagmamahal
Kung ito'y hindi tunay,huwag piliting ibigay
Mas nanaisin pang mag-isa, harapin ang natitirang mga araw
Nang sa ganoon ay mas matamis alalahanin na minsa'y sa buhay ika'y nagdaan
Pinipilit ikaw ay abutin, ngunit sadyang hindi mo yata pansin
Patuloy mong sinusugatan ang kaawa-awang kalooban
Hindi malaman kung ano pa ang dapat gawin
Buong buhay ay ibinigay, pati na kalayaan
Sa pag-asang katiting na pagtangi'y maambunan
Ngayon ay napagtanto,kailangan munang magkalayo
Kung pansamantala o habang buhay, tanging Diyos lang ang nakakaalam
Baka sakaling may isang pagkakataon pang inilalaan
Ngunit ayaw munang umasa,baka muling mabigo
I also just remembered that she's a maARTe staff person since she helped edit some past articles...Today was an emotional rollercoaster for all of us...we lost her for almost 5 minutes, she's now on life support, back in the intensive care unit...please send whatever positive vibes and/or prayers...thank you...
One of three experiments in watercolor I did at the hospital the other day. If you haven't seen the other photos in my Ofoto album, check those out too. I finally uploaded REALLY old Xmas show photos.
Because my last day of work was last Friday, I can go to things like this:
On view at the Whitney until February 24th: In his digitally produced videos and sculpture, Paul Pfeiffer, the 2000 Bucksbaum Award winner and Whitney artist-in-residence, taps into the psychological undercurrents running through American popular culture. As part of "The Contemporary Series," Pfeiffer's first solo Whitney show will present a new video installation made by the artist since his residency began in May 2000.
How did I spend my first day of freedom, you ask? Well, yesterday, I woke up stressless at a leisurely 9:30am. Ate Liza called from the hospital - definitely a good sign. Dad was pleasantly surprised to answer the call. Went with dad and b to the hospital to briefly check on Ate Liza and to get account info so dad could wire $$ to her family. Dad took the train from there, then B and I had breakfast at the diner around the corner from my house, then we went home to get ready for the day. Left the house around 12:30 to go back to the hospital. I took these watercolor paints with me and I'm glad I did. It made the day go by really quickly (we stayed until 6pm) and I really got into it. Taped up two pieces to the wall next to Ate Liza. A third, I want to scan first, hehe. I don't like how I'm relaying yesterday, and I gotta get ready for a brief check up on Ate Liza, so, to be continued later. Anyways, she's looking good:)
I don't know if I'm hopeful or in worse denial than mom is, but I'm still in disbelief at Ate Liza's illness, and the surreal speed at which it has progressed. Whatever Stage 4 is, its not good. It's so fucking unfair. Why is it always the truly good people. I mean, she is unbelievably kind, patient, and generous - someone who's greatest "flaw" is her sensitivity. Why? I don't know if I've ever wanted a miracle to happen - which right now looks like her only hope - as badly and as desperately as I do right now. I really hate getting those corny email forwards from people about some seemingly random person needing a prayer, usually hoaxes or stupid attempts for chain emails. But I'm going to be one of those people who will send that very kind of email soon. Unfortunately, if you get one from me, you will know it's no hoax.
In a way, its kind of good that my last day at work was on Friday (which seems like such a non-issue right now, even though its something I've dreamed about for over 2 years now) and I have a few weeks to "breathe" before school starts, coz I'll be able to spend time in the hospital with her. Hopefully find some way to cheer her up by reading her the latest entertainment gossip. Gad, it took writing this blog to get my tear ducts to open up. How corny.
On my last, crazy-ass day at work, of course I find time to blog. And lookie, my horoscope for today:
A spectacular finish looks a lot like a new beginning. Machines function
beautifully. Today's performance captures the attention of people
who might well hire or consult with you in the near future.
Well 3.5 more hours, and my "machine" of a computer is freezing every 15 seconds. Bah.
She has cancer. We'll probably go to the hospital tonite. She had surgery this morning. I can't believe it. The doctor said cancer was the "worst case scenario."
Ate Liza looked so young lying in the hospital bed. Only then did it hit me how close we were in age. She can't be more than 30 years old. With a 7 year old son and husband in the Philippines. When she was getting sick, I thought (as most of us in the household) she was "just" homesick over the holidays, missing her family and not allowing herself to get better. Nagmumokmok lang yan sa kwarto, we would say, she'll snap out of it soon. I mean how long could a cold last? And then it became bronchitis. And now, it could be cancer. Shit. Last Saturday, Mom and Dad took her to the doctors beacuse her stomach was swollen, she couldn't even zip up her pants. Apparently the growth got bigger during the day, and by the time we got home that evening, Mom had left a message on the answering machine that they were at the hospital and that Ate Liza was going to get confined. B and I were at the hospital waiting room til about 12:30am;Mom and Dad stayed until 3:30am. B and I walked in the "wrong" entrance and managed to sneak into the ER for a few minutes to see Ate Liza. I really hate hospitals. But we are her only family here, though not of blood - and not even from the same region in the Philippines. One of many housekeepers, nurses, babysitters, TNTs that have come to stay in our house since I was a child - who have become family over a common tie of obligation to family in the Philippines. Last night when mom went back, I wasn't sure if I should have her bring a photo of her son. I mean, would it be a comfort? Would it make her even more depressed? There is a 99% chance that
they will have to operate, and more like than not, remove her uterus. I wondered why mom was crying last night. And as I write this, my question is answered.
Some resolutions for the new year include giving up soda (I did pretty good today - mostly water lang), being more understanding of my boyfriend, practicing patience, going to the gym (finally), sing/play (guitar and piano) music more, and write. I started with the writing sorta, by going thru old floppy disks (some nearly 5 years old, ack) of stuff I've written. One funny thing I found was a pseudo-skit that me and my friend Bing performed at Barrio Fiesta (annual Filipino cultural program at my college). It was called "Balikbayan + Box". Please don't hold it against me. As I recall, I took bits and pieces from other stuff I'd already written and put it together for the performance. Here's a little bit of it:
"Balikbayan + Box"
Dark Stage
Two Characters: Lina, the balikbayan (L) and Balikbayan box (Bb)
Lina is sitting on the floor with a clipboard and pen, checking a "Balikbayan" box for its contents and correspondingly checks off items on a list. Lina sighs in exasperation. Bb appears from the box.
Bb: Don't forget the cornicks. Your dad is looking forward to munching on those and its all he asked you to bring back for him.
L: How could I forget that? That's one of the first pasalubongs that I bought to bring back! That's not the problem. Look at this list of bilin! I gotta get songhits for Ate Beng, a stack of Pinoy CDs for Ninang Cora, buko pie and batik clothes for Tita Liza, and yema, pastillas and instant pinakbet for Tita Ene! I haven't even started on mom's list yet
Bb: Geez, I thought the hardest part was bringing pasalubong over here!!
L: You know, I always think that I'm bringing you here to leave you here, but there's always so much more I want to bring back.
Bb: Tell me what it's like out there. All I do is sit around the house until it's time to go back. What's so great about the Philippines?
L: After a while, you get used to the ants in the sugar, and the beads of sweat on parts of your body where you wouldn't expct to perspire.
Bb: Uggh! I'm so glad I don't have to worry about sweating! But what's so great about that?
L: After a while, you look forward to the crowing of roosters in the morning.
Bb: Ahhh, yes, I hear them too you know!!
L: You stop yelling at the dogs on the street that block your car, realizing that they can't hear you cursing the many way.
Bb: You learn to commute by jeepney and bus, you're no longer afraid to travel alone from the probinsya to Manila.
L: How would you know?
Bb: Are kidding? I hear the tsismis when you're not around!
It goes on for a while, and then here's the end:
L: It's weird how determined I am to come back here as often as I do. Mom and Dad couldn't wait to get to America, it seems...
B: U-huh, I hear your Titas and Titos wondering that when you're not around. They don't understand why you like it here so much.
L: You know, I really don't know either. I mean I guess I know, but its something I wouldn't be able to express in words. Its a feeling I get when the airplane touches down here. Such a good feeling.
Bb: I can also sense your feeling when the airplane touches down in New York!
L: Ows? And what's that?
Bb: A very sad feeling. Like you're not ready to be back home yet. Yet, you feel that way everytime. Aren't you used to it yet?
Bb: Why do you keep coming back here? Don't you want to go home already?
L: For me, home is the point of departure and the point of return. I read that in a book once. It's the place you long to go back to. I guess home could be where you were born, but it's also where you grow up. I really feel like I grew up here!
Bb: But you've spent most of your life in the States! Hell, you were born there?! Can you imagine how your parents feel, or how your Titas feel? Why is it when we have settled somewhere, we want to still go home?
L: One day we will stay for good.
Bb: Where? Here or there?
L: Good question...
Well, I always meant to develop that...geeez, maybe one of my resolutions should be to actually finish something.
