Wahoo, the Bronx Museum has entered the 21st century and finally has its own website. Speaking of which, B and I went to the opening of One Planet under a Groove: Hip Hop and Contemporary Art last Thursday and I think there were more people than they expected. It was PACKED! We only stayed long enough to see the exhibit and to say hi to friends that worked hard to put the cool exhibit together. The Bronx Museum has such awesome programs, I don't think they get enough credit or publicity for.
Hey, thanks jay for your kind note. i don't really expect everyone to agree with all my beliefs, and I really don't think that's what I'm after. Before the 11th, most of my views were pretty "unpopular" outside my immediate circle of friends (heck even among my friends, my views are pretty out there believe it or not) so that was nothing new. I think the real difference is that now, it seems that any beliefs, here in the States, that aren't shared by the "mainstream" - basically the views spewed out by the media (news, television shows and specials, etc.) seem to be even more violently opposed and unwelcomed than usual. It's quite unnerving - something I've never experienced to this extent before. I appreciate an open ear. And I too, promise to be open to ideas other than my own as well. Thank you.
argh, yes i know there are flaws and contradctions in my last post...and probably every post recently (ever??) so please bear with me, I'm just sorthing things out in my head, thinking aloud, ok? i'm not trying to debate anyone, since I haven't formed an intelligent opinion yet. Thanks for your understanding.
Because, I don't know about the rest of you New Yorkers or Americans out there, but I'm getting tired of feeling the need to whisper about my doubt in the government, to talk in hushed voices about not wanting to "support the president" for the sake of unity, to say under my breath that war really isn't the answer - without know what the answer is. I have to whisper my "fuck you" to the 452521st person to tell me that I have to go back to normal, or go shopping, because if we don't then "the terrorists win." Umm hi, I'm not playing the fucking game. The thing is, yea, I don't want to provoke an argument with a stranger, or a co-worker (which has happened, not comfortable AT ALL) about my "unpopular" views, to be labeled the "apologist". But the fact is that the wounds are still too raw. The growing anthrax scare isn't helping either. Some of my friends (who share my confused and unpopular views) don't agree with mainstream American that what is happening is a "just war." But how do you say how you feel to friends or family that managed to escape from the WTC, who have friends and family who perished? It is so easy to spew out what you believe is the definitive answer to everything when you are not so close to the center. Know what I mean? Yes, unfortunatlely, I think you do. I don't know. I just don't know. I still don't know. It's scary because it seems that most people that surround me (friends, co-workers, family) desperately want to support the president, this war, and all the righteous rhetoric about good fighting evil. THANK GOD that my boyfriend and I feel the same, and a few of my friends do too. But its really so weird and upsetting. It's like overnight (for the past month), we've entered an alternate uber-patriotic, single thought type, vengeful society and I somehow escaped the hypnotic patriotic stance the American media has been feeding us. Of course I have my moments, but manage to snap back to reality...
i'm trying my bestest to refrain from saying something catty about my "rights" to discuss such matters. let's see how long that lasts.
Sorta good news: I finished my application for grad school, essay, recommendations and all! Everything is going to be submitted today, thanks to B. :) Yippee!
I think we should start a deQuiros fan club, don't you think? I really need to expand on my views on what's going on, no, not for you, but for me. Um, later.
Later: I don't know very much about U.S. policies. I also didn't vote for George Bush. I don't agree with much of what the government does. For all intents and purposes, I suppose I am an American. I was born here, so that's that. I am not the American government. I don't believe my parents are traitors for leaving the Philippines. They don't hate or even dislike the Philippines. They've instilled the pride they have in their homeland in me and much of what I do outside of my 9-5 job reflects that. The only time I am made conscious of my being an American is when I am outside the country. I am not seen as an American here in America. For all intents and purposes, I am a Filipina. And I don't believe I just contradicted myself, I really don't. Though some of you are probably foaming at the mouth at the audacity to call myself a Filipina. I still cry every now and then at what is happening. I am frustrated by the fact that most of the time that I really feel like bawling is when I am at work or in front of people, and I have to stop myself from letting it all out. I am angry at our government for the policies it has made and supported that I feel had some bearing on what has happened and what is happening. I am angry that I'm scared to be considered un-patriotic or un-American, when before Sept 11, I really didn't give a fuck about either those things. I am frustrated at the propaganda I read and watch on the news. I hate that I can't trust the media. Instead of feeling pride when I see American flags and hear crowds yell out U-S-A, U-S-A, I feel sadness. I hate that those people who claim patriotism are also the rude bastards I pass on the street, the ones that are out for blood. I am frustrated that there is no simple answer, there really isn't. I hate feeling uneasy everyday when from the bus in the mornings I see the National Guard checking delivery trucks and vans at the Midtown Tunnel, and even more uncomfortable when I don't see them. I hate that hatred has only fueled more hatred.
Sheeeit! It turns out I'll be moderating one of the workshops at a Filipina empowerment conference at my alma mater, Barnard College (wink wink, nudge nudge, Athena hehe:) Much discussion will be involved I'm sure, so I hope you go to the:
FORWARD Filipina 2001 Conference
Reaffirmation and Reconnection: Bridging the Gaps of HerStory
November 16 - 18, 2001
Barnard College
New York, NY
With this conference we hope to meet the demands of our
Filipina community by accomplishing a number of goals:
· To empower Filipino and Filipino American women through
education and awareness regarding the issues confronted
by the global Filipina community.
· To provide a venue for a broad-based community of Filipinas
on the East Coast to converge and network.
· To build bridges of understanding between Filipinas and
Filipina Americans through storytelling, education, and
networking, thereby creating lasting relationships for the future.
· To introduce a retrospective look at the story of our lives
as Filipinas, offering a deeper understanding of who we are
and where we’ve been: from the study of the pre-colonial Babaylan
and women of the revolution, to the migration/immigration to
Filipina American identity.
FORWARD, Filipino Organization for Women’s Advancement, Rights and Dignity, is a non-profit organization serving the tri-state area in empowering its Filipino community through education, socio-civic programming and political advocacy on issues concerning all sectors of Filipinas in the Diaspora.
Umm, is anybody else having trouble accessing the Philippine Web Awards site? From maARTe's counter, I *think* we're a semi-finalist, but can't be sure. I DO know that my B is a semi-finalist in the Arts Category. Woohoo! You go boy!! Now finish your dang site already!! Oh sheeit, and I think Red is a semi-finalist in the Personal Category. Congrats!!
Oh, oh, and now I must share with you my renewed interest in the Boondocks. I now get Calvin and Hobbes, Cathy, and the Boondocks emailed to me daily. I sure wish Pugad Baboy had the same email service. What comics do you like?
Oh and sheeeit (that's my new annoying expression) Stephanie/Josephina/Jozee/Josie/ Jos/ Jo/ Sephi/'Sephina is out and about. Grrl, thanks for the linkage! Now go read about this current and future supahstah! She's the cool chick who got the tickets for me and B to that AWESOME Black Eyed Peas concert last month. Thanks again:)
Me: yah! and he was telling me i should write more!!
ibalik: anong ginawa nyo?
ibalik: yes you shall!!
Me: he was giving me "life advice"
Me: hehe
ibalik: oh wow ha
ibalik: whats he up to?
Me: "don't go into special ed., no, just write!"
Me: still writing
Me: not much chika from him, he was too busy giving me advice:P
Me: tapos bloated din ang ego ni B kasi sabi ni bino, "sino yung nag design nang maARTe? i want him to design my site, i love it, so clean, the desgin"
Me: wohoooooooooo
ibalik: hehe, baka ma inspired na si B na gumawa nang next issue
ibalik: hehe
Me: tapos yung nag launch nang book, si Merlinda Bobis, kilala niya ako!
Me: sabi niya rin i should keep writing coz she really liked it!
Me: TAPos si Perla nang NewFilipina.com came up to me and said "finally, its such an honor to meet you!"
ibalik: naks naman
Me: i had to look behind me to make sure who she was talking to
ibalik: pa otograp naman dyan o
ibalik: hahaha
ibalik: buti hindi pumutok ulo mo
Me: kaya nga bloated na bloated ang ego ko
Me: puputok na nga eh!
Me: sheeeit
ibalik: hehe
Me: i'm always surprised when people come up to me and tell me they read AND love maARTe, ewan feeling ko, walang masyadong nag babasa
ibalik: sus. you should hear the ppl that i hand maarte preview paper to
ibalik: parang unecessary
ibalik: kasi they all say the same thing..."ooh, i love that website"
ibalik: so obvoiusly, they've seen it already
Yeah, so my head his slowly returning back to its normal size. I'm totally freaked out when people remember stuff i've written, but also uneasy, because, sheeeeit, I don't want that one or two things that I've done that have been published to be all people know from me, you know? Yeah.
Ha. I thought I was just joking the other the day about going to the Philippines in the near future. It might just turn out to be true. And I might not have to win the lottery OR scale down to 70 pounds. Playing hooky from work again, I finally had a talk with Mom about how unhappy I've been at my job. She hasn't been very supportive about my thoughts on quitting. Apparently my financial help was more important than I realized. I also realized they had no idea why it was that I was so unhappy where I am. Anyways, I gave her a clue, and ha, I still don't know what I'm gonna do. What do you know. I typed out my letter of resignation today. I'll bring it with me to work tomorrow, though I seriously doubt I'll have the guts to submit it. The 'rents are apparently cool with me leaving in December, since school will start in late January, and one month off is not as daunting as 2-3 months without an income. I don't know. I want to be out by November. But I'm glad they're a bit more supportive, coz I've really hated resenting them for where I'm at right now. At the same time, I feel so stupid for worrying about relatively trivial things like my personal sanity. Ewan ko ba. Feeling emotionally stuck and paralyzed is never a party even when it seems the whole world is feeling the same.
Does everything seem so pointless to you these days? Pointless, like my job, like the words I type, the sorry attempt at "normalcy," discussions, online and off, delusions of happiness, that sorta thing. You know?
